i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
