why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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