Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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