remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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