do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just googled if crying burns calories
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
