My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
