i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
