I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
