youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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