My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
