if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
