I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
