Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
