Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
