last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
