This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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