At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My breath smells like gin and sadness
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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