he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I sprained my soul last night
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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