i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
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No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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