At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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