Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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