My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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