I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
