The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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