a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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