oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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