Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
