just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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