me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
