Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
pop tarts are not kleenex
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
