dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
