And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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