So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
