when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
