Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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