I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
