Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
pray to the hookup gods
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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