Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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