it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
