i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
