Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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