Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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