I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
