New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
