You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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