take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm like, not good at living.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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