sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
