Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
