Apparently you make a good broom.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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