3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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