I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
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He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
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at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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