Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
