My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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